Arty & Bob Files
by Maritza Manga
Summary: I decided to separate my Arty stories from the Arty and Bob ones. Rating for naughty language, and drinks.
1. Prologue

#…# - Means thought

Disclaimer: I don't own Artimis Fowl. Crack L .

A/N: I wrote this in school last month, but I never came around to typing it. Thank you Sanan for the inspiration.

Artimis Fowl: A "Touching" story.

Juliet: You Done Yet?

Artimis: No.

Little While Later…

Juliet: Now?

Artimis: No, in a sec.

Little While Later

Juliet: Now?

Artimis: NO.

Little While Later

Juliet: Now?

Artimis: NOT YET!

Little While Later

Juliet: Now?

Artimis: Piss Off!

Juliet: Wassamatter? Having trouble down under?

Artimis: NO!

Juliet: Then get the hells out of the bathroom!

Butler: What's the matter?

Juliet: Artimis is constipated.

Artimis: I am not constipated!

Juliet: So what the frek is taking so damn long?

Artimis: sigh I guess you'll find out sooner or later.

Arty came out with his cell phone at hand; he had been talking for a while now.

Juliet: You've been talking to Holly smug smile

Artimis: Nope…Bob.

Juliet: O.o Faint

(A/N: The next chapter will come along as soon as I figure out a plot, a location, what Bob is going to be like, if Bob is rich or not and how to write Bob without turning Bob into a Mary-sue.)


	2. Bob: Intro

#---# Thought.

**Disclaimer-** I don't own Art. Everything else is mine! Muwhehehehe! P

((**A/N:** Okee dokee, this chapter revolves around bob, and only Bob, it kind of sucks, but hey, I never claimed to be a good writer. Hmmm, the idea seamed funny at the time, oh, well.))

**Response to a couple of reviews: **

Aerin: Thanks for the suggestion, but I had a sudden inspiration of another sort for Bob.

Spectra16: Um…who the hell is Anna?

Nicole: What's so creepy?

Kngsleby: Now you know.

Oceanchild: I'm no genius! I'm just really bored.

Trinity Day: first off- I found you're review to be rude. So I'll ignore it. Second off- don't say first off unless you're going to follow it up with something.

**ON WITH THE SHOW: -**

Bob was odd at first sight; he was thin, with gangly arms and legs. He had long rainbow bangs and thick brown hair behind that. His favorite outfit consisted of an orchid turtle neck sweater and a pair of neon-green pants. His house was fancy, it was like walking into a freaking' opera house or something. # Jesus, mother decorated this place like there's no tomorrow! But I still don't get the Japanese theme. Our family's always been from England. #

He had gotten off the phone just a little while ago, he'd been talking to his Irish sweetheart, Arty. #God, he hates that nickname. Heh. # He had the flue and had been visiting Mr. Toilet a lot lately, so naturally he was complaining to Arty-boy.

Bob shuffled slowly down the dark hallway, time for his medicine. #Bah. Cherry flavored earwax is more like it. #

The sudden glare of the bathroom light blinded him. He stumbled into the colossal bathroom and headed straight for the bathroom cabinet, still blinded, he reached into the cabinet for his medicine. He felt a bottle and decided that was it. Unknown to him, he had picked out a bottle of rubbing alcohol. Bobby boy felt like shit, so it seamed only appropriate to gulp a couple of swings down. Yes, he really was that sick. The next thing you knew he was swaggering around and looking at himself in the mirror thinking, "I'm one sexy bitch, man."

He wobbled out of the bathroom and saw a picture of a ninja his mother had put up one the wall. "Hey! It's my Ary!" (Yes, he really did say Ary.) Then he grabbed one of his mother's precious sticks of bamboo and started dancing around stripper-style.

His little brother decided to stop watching from his hiding place on the stairs and go to their parents bedroom, Their mother wasn't home and he wanted to try on her make up while he had the chance- I guess some things run in the family.

((**A/N-** Wow, that sucked o))


	3. Arty&Bob: What a boy wants

A/N: Well, I'm actually proud of this chapter, got the idea from my cousin over the weekend. She is so good for ideas. And muchos gracias to all my reviewers and even the people who didn't review but at least read the story.

And for those who are reading this befor reading the book, Arty is short for Artemis, they are one and the same.

Disclaimer: The only thing I own here is the song parody and Bob.

ON WITH THE SHOW!

Well, the truth was out, Artemis was gay. He loved the co- well, you get the idea. Juliet had locked herself in her room, sobbing about her raven-haired lover - whoever he was-, and Butler had given Arty a disturbed look and gone to console his baby sis. Artemis' parents had freaked out and threatened to disown him, but he had reminded them that they wanted to 'start a new, good life' and that couldn't possibly include disowning him. He loved it when he was rite.

And now Artemis sat in his room nervously.

He had called Bob to tell the good news, and Bob told Artemis that he'd come over as soon as he could, (on his privet jet) so that they could celebrate. Bobby was here now, he'd barged into the place like he owned it, greeted everyone in a rush and ran off to Arty's room dragging said Arty along. In the room Bob had walked Arty over to the bed and said in a husky voice, "Now, sit down and close your eyes." Artemis had done so, but peeked anyways, Bob caught him peeking and laughed. Obviously he thought Arty was being playful when really Artemis was checking to see what the hell was going on.

Now as I said before, Artemis was sitting in his room nervously and Bob called from the other end of the room (which suddenly seemed rather large) "You can open your eyes now." Artemis did so and was shocked. His room had been transformed into an exact replica of Christina Agulara's What A Girl Wants video. There were lots of men sitting beside Artemis, calling lustfully to other men who were dressed exactly like the girls in the video (no really, some had on skirts and everything.) In the middle of the transvestites was Bob, decked out in an outfit identical to video-Christina's. Sudenly music started and all the guys that were standing up started dancing while Bob sang:

What a boy wants,

What a boy needs,

I need to let all my urges go free

And I'm thanking you for knowing exactly.

I don't think I need to explain the rest, it was an exact homosexual replica of the original, complete with the freakish clown doll in the background that moved on it's own and freaked the hell out of the author.

When the video was over

Juliet walked into the room, she was about to try and win Artemis back, (not that she had him in the first place.) And was shocked to walk in on a Homosexual-Christina-Agulara video set, with Artemis himself huddled in the corner rocking back and forth muttering, "Make the ho's go away, make the ho's go away." For once, Juliet did the smart thing and left. Quickly.

(A/N: Wow! Finally a chapter I'm proude of! Sorry if ther are spelling mistakes, my spell-checker is on the fritz again. Thank you Claudia for another good idea!)


	4. Arty&Bob: Depression

**.:…:. Thought**

**Disclaimer**: I don't own the song at the end or Artemis, everything else is MINE!

**Author's note**: I back! And not dead! WOAH! This chapter is uber short, but I wrote three at the same time, so that makes up for it. Shut up, it does. And thank you OceanChilde for being a faithful reviewer. D **Awwww**

_ Bob's Mansion-Scotland _

Artemis walked into Bob's room, and heard loud bawling. .:Good God, what is it now?:. Bob looked up to see Arty in the room and the bawling abruptly stopped. He rushed over to his lover. "What's wrong dear?" Artimis inquisited, trying to hide his annoyance. (They've been dating long enough to know that Bob is just way too frockin' emotional.) "I…I'm…(sob)…FAT!" Artimis pulled an o0 face and looked at Bob's bony frame. "Of coarse you're not fat!" Artemis exclaimed, trying to hide his annoyance, Bob looked like he'd start up the water works again, so Arty hastily said, "Come now, you know what'll make you feel better?" Bob sniffled, "An eating disorder?" Artimis rolled his eyes and took a deep breath. "No,- a makeover!" D In the background the 'makeover, makeover' song from clone high starts up.


	5. Arty&Bob:Makeover

**((…)) Actions.**

**A/N**: This chapter is best experienced late at night or early in the morning.

_ Still in Bob's room – Scotland _

Artimis and Bob's little sister Maritza (Yes, he's got many siblings) sit on Bob's bed, waiting for Bob to get out of the bathroom.

Maritza: ((squirming around))

Artemis: Stop that.

Maritza: But he's taking sooooo long. (

Artemis: ((sighs)) Must I destr---

Artemis is cut off, for just then: Bob walks in!…Wearing make-up, a dress, high-heels and hairspray. O0

Bob: What do you think?

Maritza: Squee! You look so pretty! ((glomps Bob))

Bob: 00 Woah! Honey, you may worship-((he pushes her off))-but from **afar**!

Maritza: No. ((scoots closer))

Bob: Yes. ((scoots away))

Artemis: ((watching, with mild interest.))

Maritza: No ((scoots closer and latches onto Bob's ankle))

Bob: ((clears throat, and throws head back-Charlie Brown Style)) GOOD GRIEF!

Maritza: ((Looking up from position under Bob's legs…giggles hysterically)) I can see up your skirt! ((points))

Bob: --

Artemis: ((Laughing, completely oblivious to the dirty looks that Bob is throwing him))


End file.
